Preparation and Real experience


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This morning, in the headache of half right head, in the sadness while looking the pale blue sky, I made an important decision quickly without thinking too much because I have thought about it all the time: I will concentrate to watch arthouse film in this year. Really concentrate. I won’t delay it anymore.

Life is too short for bad films, not good films, or even so-so films. I wasted too much time for inapproriate films to skip over so many arthouse films that I have wanted to watch for a long time. Everytime, I skim on Facebook or Internet, see that my friends, or anyone younger than me, same age with me, or even older than me just a few ages who have already watched those films, I’m jealous of them so much. I can’t stop the feeling of envy. It somehow has destroyed me little by little inside. It’s always like that. Because most of the time, the films they watched are not also unknow by me, I have already known about them for a long long time while reading film books, film articles, listening to many people talking about them. But the reason I delayed to watch them was that I was afraid of not understanding the films as themself or skipped many meaningful ways of making films… just because I didn’t have enough knowledge to understand it. For example, I watched The scent of green papaya in my first year at university. I have to confess that I don’t understand about it at all, as well as what made it great. I thought that I missed many beautiful points of its because of lack of knowledge to feel it. But at university, I didn’t think too much about it. I just kept watched arthouse films as much as possible. Therefore, I continued to watch other films by Tran Anh Hung, one by one, until I watched all of his films except for his first two short films. His film that I like most is Cyclo, I could really feel its sadness while watching it.

But, after graduation, I have changed, I was not the one I used to be at university. I was more careful when deciding to watch arthouse films. Everytime I wanted to watch arthouse films, I thought whether I had enough film knowledge to watch them, to really understand them, to not miss any meaningful things of them. Therefore, I decided to delay them to read film books to prepare enough knowledge to watch them. Then. I have watched so many commercial films, entertaining films. But now, in comparison with university, the film books that I read are not really much more than that time, meanwhile the arthouse films that I watched are really really less than that time. Therefore, I think I nearly have no improvement in film knowledge or in film feeling. Just reading about them, listening about them, knowing about them but never really watched them means that I have never been through them, lived in them. It’s useless if I just only know but not watch. I think there is no one can understand my irritated feeling about that. And everyday, I keep seeing one by one around me gradually watch the films that I have wanted to watch for a long time. No. No. No. It’s my limit. I reached my limit. I can’t endure it anymore. I can’t delay it anymore. I wasted too much time already. This year, I will be really serious to concentrate on watching them one by one, little by little, next by next.

Finally, I realize one thing: life is too short to prepare. Of course, one should prepare, but just for definite amount of time, the exact amount depends on each one. I think it should be short, should not be too long, the time should be saved for real experiences, not preparation. I lost too much time for what I thought that to be called as “preparation”. It’s approriate. But you never know how much it needs to be considered as reaching the approriate amount. Once you have the mind of preparation; however much it is, it never satisfies you, you tend to think that it’s not enough. But in life, there is never preparation “enough” for anything. What is enough? It’s always lack. It’s always expanded everyday. Never stop. That makes it be called “life”. If it stopped that kind of progression, it were not life anymore, it becomes dead photograghs. Therefore, we will never prepare enough for life, so if we want to do something, just do it anyway. The time for real experience and preparation should be spent at the same time. It’s parallel progress.

I wrote these lines to once again make my mind become stronger, bigger to make it come true in this year. It’s not the first time I think about it but previously, I didn’t wrote about it, then it passed over, I kept the old habits: just prepare and prepare, afraid of watching what I really want to watch, keep watching entertaining films or so-so films just to relax, then seeing others watched what I want to watch, envious of them, day by day, month by month, year by year. I’m too tired and too old now. There is no time for me anymore if I’m just hesitant, scared like that. This year will have to be different with old years. Five years already. I lost five years for what I called “preparation”. I lost five years for mostly watching entertaining films. I lost five years to delay watching what I really want to watch. It’s enough. I allow me to think it’s enough.

So first, I will try to watch Ingmar Bergman and Jean-Luc Godard. I will try to keep the ratio between arthouse films and entertaining films this year is 70-30. In previous years, this ratio is inverted with 30 or even 20, 10 for arthouse films and 70, 80, or maybe 90 for entertaining films. This year and upcoming years, the ratio has to be inverted. There is not much time for me anymore. Also, I can’t endure anymore.

Hence, just watch what I really want to watch anyway. It also can be applied for books. Don’t think too much. Don’t delay it anymore. Don’t prepare anymore. Just do it anyway. And I will do. Surely.

Kodaki
10:44
8.2.2017

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