On the night watching La La Land


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Yesterday, I got one luck. This luck came to me so suddenly. I think that I have never been lucky like this before in my life. Therefore, I did one crazy thing. That thing made me fucking happy and at the same time, when it ended, I wanted to cry. I watched La La Land last night but myself was given a chance (maybe by God) to do crazy thing, to not care about what the other think in two hours, to let my body tired as hell but fun as heaven.

I always play Pump and Basketball at supermarket right after watching movie in cinema. I play two coins (one play) for Pump, and two coins (one play) for Basketball. It’s always like that. I can’t play more because after dacing three songs with Pump and play Basketball for two minutes, I’m usually so tired, my sweat makes my clothes wet and I pants so much. I play just as a way to take exercise because playing these two games makes my whole body move so much. Pump is mainly for legs and Basketball is mainly for hands. Last night, after I danced the second song and prepared for the third song on Pump, the electricity went out. The whole game zone was originally bright, at that time, everything was in black, the whole dark. It’s new experience for me. I have never gone to the commercial building when its electricity went out, it was always bright and luxurious with people busy doing this thing or that thing. When there was no light, I could hear the anxious voices from the staff, there were also some eager voices because they thought they could be rest sooner (I heard someone said that), the curious voices from other players, the noise from the kids. Then, I picked up my phone, let it light the dark space. Some lights from other phones gradually appeared. I don’t know why I felt it was somehow just like the end of the world. There was sadness because the abruptly stop of electricity prevented people to do something they were doing without having a single thought that it would be stopped. But somehow, I could felt something like the eagerness (or even happiness) when everybody was together in dark. Then I imagined, someday if the world really ends, when it comes to that day, maybe it will have this atmosphere. No fear but the calm to accept it, the happiness to wait for it come just like rare and precious thing (eventhough it can lead us die, it’s nothing really matter because we die together).

I was not angry because I couldn’t complete the third song; on the contrary, I was eager to discover the building when electricity went out. I held my phone with light and go here, there. The electricity just went out around five minutes. When everything was in white bright light again, I went back to game zone to continue playing Basketball. I just put one coin and then the screen displayed that there were 99 coins. I put 99 coins (but in fact, I didn’t). The machine got the wrong signal. I couldn’t believe it. When I finished one time playing, I tried to push the button again and surprisingly, I could play one more time, the coins displayed on the screen decreasing from 99 to 97. At that point, I had just realized that I could played with 99 coins (49 times playing), a gift from the heaven!

When it left about 60 coins, I really felt tired, I wanted to give up, I wanted to rest, I want to go home, but then, I felt regret for leaving the remain coins like that. Therefore, I tried hard once again and again. While I was playing, there was a couple friend (one boy, one girl – they were junior high school or high school student, I guess that they will be lover someday), a girl, two girls played at the other machines. They came and they left. There was no one playing in long time like me. There was no one “put” so many coins into the machine like me. When it left about 40 coins, there were a father and a little daughter (around one or two years old, she still can’t speak) coming to the machine I was playing. They stopped by me for a long time, watched me playing. I felt awkward when they looking at me but somehow felt be encouraged at the same time. I just kept playing and playing. At first, I was eager to play all 99 coins, then I was tired and wanted to give up, then I didn’t give up and continued to play, the entertainment became to the excercise by accidental, I didn’t feel fun anymore but felt tired, then it became to the exercise of patience and using the water approriately. I had one full water bottle. When I played to around 60 coins, there was only one third left, at that time I knew that I had to save the water if I wanted to played all 99 coins. Then, I tried to prevent myself from drinking water whenever I wanted to drink. I put a limit point to myself: at around 20 coins left, I would be permitted to drink the left amount of water. Sometimes, I thought that why I had to be like this, it was enough, stop it, don’t play anymore. And, the process of those feelings made me remember the time I read War and Peace, it was also something of the kind: eager at first, tired at later, wanted to give up but still try to finish.

After passing the extreme tired point, I found myself eager again to keep playing. I consider one basketball just like one of my dreams, when I threw balls to the nest, I somehow threw my dreams to the goal. When it was just around 10 coins, I knew that I could finish it. And finally, it was over. The father and daughter already left me about half or one hour ago, the father said to the daughter: “You are tired now. Let’s go home. Let’s sleep.” And they left me. Since they were gone, I played by myself until the end, there was only me, there were no one else come to play anymore. I somehow felt lonely a little bit just like a kid played alone with toys and had no friend. Sometime, I knew or felt that there was somebody looking at me playing because I played in suspicious long time; the other players, the staffs… I could felt their eyes. There was even one staff coming to check the machine next to my machine and then look at the screen displaying coins in the machine I played. I tried not to care about him as well as the other. I just wanted to keep playing until the end. I remembered one sentence that Nietzsche had said, just danced as if nobody saw you, something liked that. And I threw, and I threw, one ball after one ball. At some point, I really forgot them. I somehow became a child again. I recalled so many things in the past. I reminisced the time when I loved sports and didn’t care about art, just wanted to played, to be fun, to have a healthy life. Sport was my dream. Basketball was my dream. I practiced at Phan Dinh Phung stadium in my summer time when I was just an elementary pupil. Then, so many things happened, I realized that physically, I couldn’t play sport. My eyes were myopic, I had to wear eyeglass and when the ball crushed my face, my eyeglass fell down. But I didn’t want to take an eyes surgery then and even now because at the end of the elementary period, I realized that I also loved art, books and films, I knew that I would kept reading and watching as much as possible. Therefore, it was no need to take a surgery. And I chose to quit sport, no Basketball anymore… just reading books and watching films in summer time. And it has been always like that until now. I never have chance to play sport again. Therefore, I really love the Basketball game in game zone at supermarket or commercial building eventhough it just simulates the real Basketball simply with about four or five balls and one nest, one just has to throw the ball into the nest. But I have always played only two minutes each time after watching movie. Last night was the first time I played it in a long time like that. When I looked at the watch to check the time, it was 10:45 pm already. I played from 8:30 pm to 10:45 pm. Oh my God. My wrist, my hands, my legs were hurt, I felt exhausted. That exhaustion still stayed with me this morning, this afternoon, tonight and until now, as if it wanted to remind me about last night.

When I played Basketball in two hours yesterday, at some point, I felt that I could play Basketball again, I could make time for both art and sport (with sport just for relaxing). I dreamed a little bit. But this morning, when I woke up, just like before, I realized that there was no way to do that. I’m busy enough now. There are too many things I want to do for art, for making me better in art. I want to be better and better, eventhough just bit by bit, day by day. There are too many things to pratice, to prepare for creating. I can’t. I just can’t. Let me just play Basketball with that machine in two minutes each time after watching movie. My story last night is somehow like La La Land, like the last scene in La La Land. In short few minutes, everything came back to its start again just like changing the past was possible thing to do. But they can’t, we can’t, I can’t. I gave up sport. I gave up Basketball. If time goes back, I will also give up sport once again for sure. Because I like sport but I love art. One can’t have everything one want. They have to choose. Giving up one dream for chasing another dream. And with Mia, the new dream just simply doesn’t have the name “Sebastian” anymore.

I also have a dream.
And my dream also had broken down.

But yesterday, playing Basketball in two hours teaches me one thing: life is somehow like playing Basketball. So many times, we try to threw ball to the nest and so many times, it doesn’t stop at right destination. But if we stop, there will be no goal, or to be exact. there will be no more chance for goal (or another goal). Just by keep playing, keep throwing the ball into the nest and watching it deviated from the nest so many times, just by that, we have the chance to see the balls we threw jumping into the nest, the dreams we dreamed somehow becoming true, the things seemed to be lost somehow to be found.

So, just try again.
One more time and one more time.

And here’s to the fools who dream
Crazy, as they may seem
Here’s to the hearts that break
Here’s to the mess we make…

Kodaki
0:49
18.12.2016

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